feet

so i think i'm going to africa. i mean i know ive said it a bunch... but this time i think i'm going. someone asked me what i'm gonna do there. i said... love people. That's kinda broad, but we'll see what that looks like when I get there. I talked to the pastor that's gonna work out some details for me, and he showed me a pamphlet of the clinic i might get to work at. I saw the most beautiful little kids on there. So I dont like feet. But i saw this little boy, and he had clubbed feet. I just wanted to kiss his little feet all over the place because they were the most beautiful feet i have ever seen.

i dont know if this africa thing will happen. I pray it does though. I hope i fight for it with everything in me. there's this song, it's amazing... and it says this

may your heart break enough, that compassion enters in
may your strength all be spent upon the weak...
may your weakness be your only sense of pride...
and when you look upon the broken may mercy show you what you could not see...
may your passions be tried and tested in the holy fire
may you fight with all your life for what is true

be blessed friends... and may you fight hard for what you know is true

cafe'

a friend of mine told me i should post again. so here goes. Right now i've been wrestling mostly with the idea of fair trade coffee... along with child labor.

my good friend recently got a job at starbucks. Actually, a have a few friends that work at starbucks. Now i started hearing rumors about Starbucks not providing fair trade coffee and so i decided to look up on it. I read that to be fair trade certified, you have to be a small scale coffee grower. Well, starbucks doesn't purchase much from small scale growers because they're so enormous. So if you go into a starbucks you'll only see one out of the 39 different coffees being fair trade. Anwyays, i still am not convinced that starbucks is supportive of paying fair wages for their coffee all around. I mean that's what they advertise... but i just dont really believe it. ALSO...Supposedly each startbucks is supposed to brew fair trade coffee once a week as the coffee of the day. I never see that happening. You're also supposed to have the option of having fair trade coffee even if they aren't brewing it. That means the employee is supposed to french press the coffee for you. According to some website, most of the employees are super annoyed when you do that... so if anyone goes to a starbucks and is just getting coffee, you should ask for it. maybe just for kicks, maybe to see the importance of fair trade coffee within our local coffee shops.

just a bunch of random thoughts i guess.. as soon as i learn more, i'll tell you more. as for now, annoy a starbucks employee by asking for fair trade coffee... support a mom and pop coffee grower trying to get by in columbia... be educated on fair trade coffee.

blessings

life...

got back from the conference.... still feeling a bit wierd.

the sox lost it in the playoffs.... that was the most stressfull game i've ever watched... and then i was depressed after.

school is still kicking my butt... two tests on thursday... one more on monday.

on a high note.... my best friend just got engaged and we're going wedding dress shopping this saturday.

that's all

good night.

life...

got back from the conference.... still feeling a bit wierd.

the sox lost it in the playoffs.... that was the most stressfull game i've ever watched... and then i was depressed after.

school is still kicking my butt... two tests on thursday... one more on monday.

on a high note.... my best friend just got engaged and we're going wedding dress shopping this saturday.

that's all

good night.

...

i'm going away this weekend. i'm going to be filled and refreshed and to let go. i'm going to discover and learn and grow and wrestle. Hopefully my passion doesn't get the best of me... but then again, when it does, life is a bit more exciting. i'm going away to Sacramento to a youth specialties conference. They're gonna teach me how to be a better communicator and teacher and friend. i'm stoked.

also... a friend told me this quote. i guess it's in a nike football commercial or something... but i love it...

"the man who thinks he can, and the man who thinks he can't, are both right. which one are you?"

so i like it and thought i would share it... oh and the red sox are playing the yankees on friday saturday and sunday... GO BOSTON!!!

blah

you ever been so busy that you're empty? working so hard to get stuff done that you can't focus on one single thing instead your whole life is a big "blah"?

i'm sick. not enough sleep and lots to do gets you real sick. not sure i like it. maybe God's way of telling me to slow down. maybe my body's way of telling me it's mad at me. maybe an excuse to miss my micro lab. that's what it was today. i'm not really excited about it though cause i have a super fun weekend coming up. i dont wanna miss out cause i'm sick. But my usual way of dealing with things like this is the "you'll be fine, you just gotta sweat it out and suck it up and move on" idea. this concept doesn't work so good when your sick.

on a side note. talking about humilty and remembering tomorrow night ... kinda getting excited about it :)

totally out of control

Are we so great a nation that we should only concider ourselves? Are we so freaking proud that humility doesn't matter? Now, i had quite an interesting weekend. I was with a friend, Chantelle and we were hanging out with some old high school friends. Now old like i haven't seen or talked to them since we graduated and some of them i went to elementary school with. One "old friend" asked me what i was doing with my life. Now... i honestly dont know. But i do know that eventually, some things will happen. So i mentioned one of them. I said, "Well, i'm doing some school stuff so that i can eventually be a nurse and go to africa for a while." A " Not Old friend" (i just met him that night)interrupted with a very sarcastic "Why?" I dont expect people to understand. I dont even fully understand to tell you the truth. God has placed Africa deep in my heart and i cant run from it. Now someone asked me this weekend what i'm passionate about. I said people. That's true. I love people. I adore them. I think i love poor people more though. I think i love the people that are unloved within our american nation. anyways, back to the story. The "not so old" friend then proceeded to tell me that people like africans choose to live that way. They choose to be poor. Now, i've never wanted to punch anyone...untill this night. I didn't know what to do with myself. SO i lost it. My voice rose and i asked him if he would like to be born into a family of five children, only to have your parents die so you cant get an education cause you're taking care of your younger brothers and sisters by working in th fields tyring to grow crops that wont grow cause there's a drought and no fertilizer and america isn't doing much to fix it. I asked him if he's like to be a mother of a family that had her youngest baby so malnourished that you can't even get him to eat anymore so you have to force feed them through a tube in they're nose...only to get that tube and that food you have to walk miles and miles in the blistering sun in order to find a place that will give your baby food so he wont die, meanwhile worrying about your children and if they're safe from the lord's resistance army who really just want to kill or kidnap your children and brainwash them to kill people so they can overthrow the government. He didn't like that so much. He left and went to bed.

i didn't control myself. I wasn't very gentle. He tried to sound like he knew what he was talking about but well... i just dont think he does. He's a super lucky guy that's white and who was born and raised in suberbia america. How would he know what it means to suffer? How would he know what it means to truely be hungry? How do i even know? So i lost it. Sorry everyone. Once again my passion got the best of me. I'm working on it though, really trying to at least.

On a side note, Powerhouse raised $1036 for Niger's famine relief. I love high school students and that they are learning what it means to love and give and sacrifice. Be blessed people.

NIGER

If you haven't seen or heard or cared about Niger, would you? for just a few minutes? But let me warn you. If you look, you might cry. If you see the pain, you might be moved. If you read thecaptions you might just feel the pain and the heat and the brokenness of the people. Beware that your perspective on life might never be the same. But also know that our God tells us to be the voices of those who have no voice... and to act justly... and to love peace. These people have no peace. These people have no voice. Would you please be their voice and fight for their peace?

PICTURES:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/gallery/2005/08/16/GA2005081601299_index_frames.htm?startat=1

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/gallery/2005/07/31/GA2005073100415.html

peace...none of which i have

it is amazing how many things i can do in a day. I mean, in theory i only need to write a message for wednesday... yes this wednesday... and i've found so many alternative things to do. I"m just so bsy now i have no time to write a message. I mean before i had to write this message my room was clean enough, my nails looked fine, i didn't need to read six books or even watch three different movies. Before i had to write this message life was just chugging along, but now well geez there's people to see and call and be with, there's TV shows to watch and laundry to do and floors to sweep. Before this message everything else was just fine. Now nothing is goo enough and i'll do anything to avoid what i really need (and honestly want) to do. Why? why do i do this to myself. It doesn't make me feel any better. I hate that i put it off. Maybe if God just spoke louder and told me everything he wanted me to say. Yeah, that would make this much easier. But instead if sitting in silence waiting and listening, i sit in my big comfy chair with music blaring, dishes washing in the background ( i even made dinner so i could procrastinate a little more, a miracle i tell you a miracle) my mom watching my big fat greek wedding in the other room (i swear it's calling my name) and food waiting to be eaten in the kitchen. So many distractions and i wonder why i can't hear God. More than a blog, this is my confessional. I'm procrastinating. I'm totally wasting time hoping that at the end of the day i have enough to finish a message. weak sauce. Here i go, i'll try to start working on it again. I'm so sorry if this sounds horrible and like a chore, it's not it's a joy... it's just harder this time. dunno why. here i go...
any thoughts on peace?

Ko Samui

holy cow. this place is beautiful. i've been in thailand for 6 days and i love it. it's exotic. it's hot. its super cheap. it's been amazing. i've loved every moment. thought i'd update youon my travels.
after a 12 hour flight we took a 4 hour one. then we stayed in bangkok for a night. We shopped around in the morning to find that most of our meals cost us about $10 US for four people. incredible. We took a 12 hour train ride to some city. a quick shuttle... and a 4 hour ferry ride to get ato a beautiful island. ko samui. it's way small. you can ride around it in about 4 hours. ahh. our hotel is well a bunch of baby houses. Maybe like a 15x15 room with an attached bathroom.... oh yeah it's on the beach too. no really. on the beach. amazing. the beaches here and phenominal.
alright so yesterday was snorkling and kayaking and lots of sleep. today is massages for hours. which is where i'm off to. yay. that's all. blessings people. i'll write again soon.

dont let the bed bugs bite

so the rash isn't really a rash.... well we dont think it is anyway. It's probably bed bug bites. DO you know how gross bed bugs are? yeah really sick. they're big. like tics. and they can live for up to one year without "feeding" sick. They live in a lot of hotels though. i'm not really excited about that part.

anyways. thought you should know that i'm no longer a leper. It's fabulous.

Off to Thailand tomorrow. HYopefully there's no bed bugs there.

the newest love of my life

So I just got home from a week long vacation of a few hours in Chicago... Four days in New York and ... Three days in Boston. I officially LOVE New York. Not too sure why yet, I just do. I loved walking down time square at three in the morning with hundreds of other people. I loved taking a bike ride through central park only to find a roller skating club skating around. I loved watching a Yankees game on fourth of July. I felt like super American on fourth of July. We sang the national anthem... The first pitches came from a father son duo who both were serving in the war... I ate a Nathan's hot dog from the Yankee stadium... and then I watched a huge fireworks show...All while in new York with a Yankees hat on. Not sure what can make you more "American" on that day.

So I loved new York. Everything about it. Oh wait. While I was there we stayed in a Yankee hotel. It was on the upper west side of Manhattan, We got into our itty bitty room that had three beds and nothing more. We had to share a bathroom with the other people eon our floor. Do you know how gross that can be. Every morning my brother would find hair in the shower that didn't belong to him. Yuck. No one cleaned our room and there was no TV. It was enough, just not what I'm used to. So anyways. No big deal. We laughed about it for the most part. But now I'm home. And I have a wierd rash on my back. I don't like it. I feel like a leper. I feel like I have a big bell hanging around my neck and when people see me they should just yell out "UNCLEAN!" it's probably the suckiest thing ever. I cant scrath it cause then the next thing I touch will be infected with this rash. I called my insurance company cause I was gonna go see a doc.... I don't have insurance cause I dropped a class last semester making me a part time student thus ineligible for health insurance. SUPER! Not so exciting people. Really it's not.

so other than my rash I love NY and everyone should go and love it too! The end.

woman

i had a really horrible beautiful amazing dissapointing conversation yesterday. i left very upset and never wanting to have a conversation of that sort again. i left inspired so that women never have to have that conversation again. i left knowing that without conversations like that, progress and passion and truth would never be discussed or found.

i'm not a man. i actually refer to myself as a girl... little girl most of the time. i've found beauty in that i'm not a man. Nothing against men, i've just wanted to be one for my whole life and am finding that god made me a woman to be one. sounds wierd i know... but really it's been good for me.

But now, more than before now, people are telling me that being a woman isn't enough. I really actually need to physically be different so that i can do the same spiritual things. I need to have different body parts, i need to have much more testosterone and i need to be able to be able to pee standing up if i'm ever gonna be accepted in the "church" I can't agree with that. I can't.

The conversation i had was... well probably not a conversation but more of an argument. I hate that. I think in ike my first post i talked aboutmy passion. i had a lot of passion in that whole conversation/argument/ discussion. I also had alot of saddness that came out in the form of slurred words, rapid speech and many many tears. ( i also threw my jamba juice in the trash sorta like when a five year old had a tantrum that's was super dumb) I ended up crying the whole way home too. Not like "bah i'm a baby" kind of crying but more like "i can't breathe so good" crying.

it's easy to have conversations with people who believe in you and believe with you. Believe with you meaning that they're kinda where you are in life. Maybe uncertain... maybe less "boxy"... maybe ready for change. i'm not sure. i do know i love and appreciate both people that believe with me and those that believe contrary to what i believe. Right now that means those that maybe dont believe" in" me. Slowly i'm understanding that the beauty of community comes from the diversity of beliefs and color and theology along with judgement and betrayal and love and goodness. As i struggle to learn how to live in community i know one thing. Grace and love must rule for it to happen and my passions sometimes need to be settled down as well as unleashed.

..holiness..

tonight i went to a "worship" night. i put it in quotes cause i'm attempting to dissasociate the word worship with music.. i think i've become highly critical of almost anything anyone says. this i've come to realize is good and bad. good, cause then i dont just eat what's given to me... the whole test and approve thing. Bad, cause then no one ever says everything i believe to be true.

the guy tonight first talked about the commandment of being holy. He took one verse from leviticus and the same one out of 1 peter about being holy cause i am holy and spoke on it for a while. At the end of the first point he said that we sacrifice what we think is good for something greater. what we think is good... sin or girlfriend or boyfriend or xanga... and switch it for something better...the life of jesus. yeah i dug this point. i think he illustrated it well and everone was super into it. teling me it's worth it to give my life to jesus and let him make something great out of it... count me in.

point two, the condition of the commandment. lets just jump to isaiah 7:9 and get a little phrase out of it. Know what you're standing for. i dont remember so much what this point was about... oh wait. you can't be half holy. you can't so the here god i have you a little bit right now but not all of me kinda thing. i think i disagree with that. i think our life is a journey... and it's all about baby steps. so this one was a hard one to sit through. good illustrations though...

point three, the consequences of the commandment. where jesus says take up your cross and follow after me. The part where people will hate you. the part where we'll be persecuted because of what you believe. I believe this. I believe that our beliefs will be looked at as dumb and ridiculous and unnecessary. but i thought point one was about letting jesus making my "good" life way better than before. so this is where i became confused.

i'm done. i feel like i'm bashing this guy and it's totally not even necessary. this is to show you how it can be bad if i just sit and critique everything that comes my way. wait he contradicted myself, wait i dont believe that. i guess i need to find a balance. balance is a word that's getting used more and more in my vocabulary.

so... there's no point here anymore really. one day i'll have a deep thought for you all to chew on but for now, here's the random stuff you can chew on.

oh i had a couple of super great conversations tonight. with someone i told harsh realties to, to someone dealing with some harsh realities, and with my grandma. She was in the hopspital for a couple nights. Her heart is enlarged and beating funny. you can pray for her... i love her lots. night everyone.

pants

it's been amazing to me how much movies effect me. I saw Hotel Rwanda and i didn't want to be american anymore. I saw crash and i wanted paint everyone the same color so hate would be less severe. I saw mean girls and i wanted to go and make peace in every high school reminding girls that beauty is more about your insides than your outsides. I've watched Blue Planet (documentary on ocean life) and i wanna move to the carribean and scuba dive every day of my life. Recently... well, earlier today... i watched Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. This movie made me want to do a couple things.
1. buy a pair of pants that fit me well. It seems like an impossible task in my world. even with the endless variety of jean selection, i can't seem to find pants that will fit me all day long. By the end of the day, they get stretched out and ends up looking like they're carring a load of poop. I dont like it. The pair of pants in the movie fit four girls... and it fit them perfectly. I just am asking to find a pair that fit one girl kinda good. it it really too much to ask?
2. it makes me wanna run away. Now this incling has been deep in my bones for years now. I go plenty of places during the summer. even this summer i'm traveling a bunch, but it's not the same. i'm not sure what it is. i know it's a movie so it will nver be the same. but one girl is in greece. Do you know how beautiful it is in greece? oh man. and another girl is in mexico. not TJ mexico but beautiful by the beach mexico. both of the places seem so magical. no hate. no pain. perfect weather. beautiful people (outside). newly found summer love. adventures with very little risk. so safe. so "ideal" but so not real.

i guess i want what can never be. i dont want it forever. i just want it for a little while. can you imagine a place with no sadness. more love and understanding than hate and anger. every problem solved in the matter of two hours. lots of truth covered by lots of editing. i have mixed feelings now that i wrote it all out. i still want the pants... but i also love the struggle of life. maybe i just need to take my struggles to a different country... yeah that would be perfect. i think i'm gonna go watch harry potter now. i know that's all really fake so maybe i wont want to do anything after it.

shower

it's summer... i have less to do. today is catch up day. I went to breakfast with my brother and mom.. going to see sisterhood of the traveling pants in 30 minutes... probably will do some shopping with the mom. i have six girls i want to try and call today. i haven't hung out with a friend that moved home from down south... i think we planned on today being that day. i just did some laundry. i have four other loads to do. i need to take mean girls back to blockbuster. i have to make sure we have enough counselors for camp. ... i need to go return a book and movie to a friend.
good thing i dont have much to do on my day off... good thing i have days like this in my life, or else i'd never catch up on anything. i also took a shower today... i haven't taken one since friday... i feel much better now thank you. ha. sorry it's such a boring post. this is my life.

influence

tonight i realized i have influence. Not cause i saw it... i see it sometimes and i realize it then but that didn't happen tonight. Not cause i read in the bible how paul tells people to do like he does... follow his example who follows christ' example and that i should have people following me as i follow christ's example. Not because i'm a high school leader and i realize that my desire is that my life will influence people and maybe, just maybe it does. No, i realize i have influence because someone told me. someone who i love and admire told me she respects me and that i have influenced her life. Not only that but "Christina do you know how many girls look up to you?" i said maybe three. she shook her head.

i'm not very confident about myself or any of my abilities or talents. I know i'm able to do good things but never good enough. i know that i'm gifted only by the grace of god. I know that i 'm lacking in ability to accept a compliment. i do the " ahhh ya know whatever" thing. I know that god created us to do great things... myself included.

i had a good conversation with a friend a few months ago. He was wondering how anyone ever lives up to the standards that people place on you. i think i first said i dont know cause i didn't. I didn't know cause i've never felt like i've been in a position to be of any type of large influence or even in a position where someone's standards would exceed my abilities. Later i think i might have said something about just being you. Just be.

so tonight i'm troubled. I dont think i'll sleep so great tonight. Just be. I mean it should be simple right? am i simplifying too much? Do i live for people or for god? am i all things to all people? Just be. i dont think it's so simple.

good day

i can't blieve it. I got an A in my anatomy class. Do you know how excting that is? seriously exciting. so exciting i can't contain myself. I screamed when i saw the grade... my brother asked if i wanted some wine to celebrate... it' 1:47 in the afternoon... i said yes but wont really. well i thought you should know how sweet it is to get a good grade in the hardest class i've ever taken. it's super sweet. ahhh tuesday, it's a good day.

brakes.

my brakes squeek in my car. it's a high pitched sorta thing. real faint with the windows up. doesn't exist when you have the radio on. I shoud probaby fix it... but i'm broke. that was kinda like a sidenote i guess. My life is comming to a halt. Everything is winding down. School is over as of thursday. Wednesday night was my last teaching night. joel, the new guy comes in on ... i think today. so the two things that have dominated my life recently are now over. I'm not really sure what to do with myself. I have much to struggle with and discover. Much to read and appreciate. People to be with and converse with. I'm still learning this art of conversation. my passion runs deep and when it cuts to my heart is when i get mself in trouble.
i was in the car, the squeeky brake car, with an old friend on sunday. She made a remark about how being a lesbian is "ewww sick!" I asked why she said that. She said cause homosexuality is a sin and it's sick. i got a bit defensive. She said "So what's the deal? are you into gays now?" i replied yeah. i respect the desision they've made. I desire to honor and accept them not as "sick" but as people. Yeah i'm "into" them if it means that i love them. I started preaching to her about how the mindset she has is why gay people dont feel welcome at church. I told her about the damage we've done to people who have made a desicison that's not something that the general christian community would choose. She said i was preaching to the choir but i'm not convinced the choir understands. I'm not even convinced that i fully understand. i dont even know where to start. so many thoughts that happened in the midst of our conversation that i would have to take a day to write out, so i wont. i'll just ask that for one day i would love blindly. That for one day you would challenge yourself to not see any color or prejudice or stereotype. I'm becoming more convinced that love has huge risks that people are scared of. My life is coming to a halt so i think i'll find a new job description. Maybe i'll just love people. yeah i like that

risky

so no one has found me on here... which i think is hilarious. I talked to jodi about it... but i dont think she's looked for me or read anything i've written. The whole idea of this thing is to network right? who am i networking with if no one has found me. I think this is how i live my life nowadays... waiting for someone to find me. Never really putting myself out there and jumping into the uncomfortable... rejecting people but never really being rejected, cause i never take the risk. Maybe that's why communities are so hard to form... maybe i'm just waiting for rejection again. Rejection from my brothers cause i'm not good enough or i'm "too good". Rejection from friends cause i'm not really sure how to stand up for myslef, so instead i get trampled on. The best friends i have... well i've showed them the kindness that been shown.. rejection.
But then there's acceptance. Oh how good it feels to be accepted and loved. How good it feels to be important in someone's eyes, mind, heart. Just a simple friend. You know it... you know it when you read a super sweet letter from a friend, or see a simple smile on someone's face... or just know it. so mabe i'll tell someone about this secret journal i've been hiding. Maybe i need to be less scared of rejection and more willing to accept the pain and love the struggle. maybe i need to go study for my final. yay...

so i have finals this week. I really only have one i care about and one... well i just am not very concerned with. I should be, but i'm not. I dont know what it's on really.... i just know i HAVE to take it. I'm so overwhelmed with this whole school thing. i know i really should know all 27 different hormones your body produces and where they come from and what they do and what happens if you have too much of one of them.... i mean i'm sure it'll help me somewhere... i guess i'm just not sure where. The sucky thing is that i dont even really know this stuff. I'm kinda just jamming it in my brain so i can regurgitate it on thursday at 12 noon. And i guess knowing all about mitosis and meiosis and the difference and what happens for spermatogenesis to occour and how women ovulate and what prophase the oocyte is in during each day of the month is important and all... but geez. I think life will go on if i dont know every detail of this stuff.
I'm gonna be a nurse one day. but my mom is a nurse and she doesn't know all this stuff. right now it's just stuff to me. Before it was the wonders of God's magnificent creation.... i need to get back to that point cause that was less angry.
oh yeah and i have 711 points... a 89% that means i can only miss 11 points on my final final (to still get an A)... out of 200. yeah wish me good luck. Kinda freaking out here.

blog fear... kinda like stage fright when you wanna pee

this whole blogging thing makes me nervous. I wasn't super good in english class. actually aurora, one of my girls, corrects my english about five times a day. So now writing down thoughts in incomplete english just makes me sound illegitimate. does that even make sense? I never punctualize and i dont know how to spell. my thoughts aren't super deep and everything i'm thinking of saying has already been said, blogged about or typed before. so i'm embarrased. i think i'll get over it. It's just the initial reading of the blogs that scares me. maybe just the comparison game... Oh yeah and everytime i write anything, peter makes fun of me. oh well ...here i go. More honesty on an impersonal computer than face to face. how does that match up with scripture? yeah... wierd

hearing

i'm not very good at having conversations. i like to talk. I'm not good at hearing. I guess i should clarify. I'm passionate. Not about everything. But about a lot. So when i'm passionate i dont hear. i mean i have stuff to say. and it's important. But it should never be more important than what the other person has to say. Why do i act like it is then? Am i trained to be all about me and what i have to say? submissive, serving, honoring, loving. I think hearing shows people love. I haven't been very loving today.
So love someone.... and hear them.

ahhh a brand new blog

this is a good place to start. xanga was kinda weak. so here i go. not many thoughts just yet. Bible study in a few hours. We're talking about why Jesus came to earth. Not why we think Jesus came to earth. but why jesus said he came to earth. to bring the kingdom on earth? to save people? to do his father's will? to keep people out of hell? to create a lifestyle worth repeating? yeah we'll talk about it and i'll let you know. i'm pretty sure it wasn't just to keep people out of hell... but why then are there people hanging out at corners yelling that that's why? very curious