Tuesday, May 31, 2005

good day

i can't blieve it. I got an A in my anatomy class. Do you know how excting that is? seriously exciting. so exciting i can't contain myself. I screamed when i saw the grade... my brother asked if i wanted some wine to celebrate... it' 1:47 in the afternoon... i said yes but wont really. well i thought you should know how sweet it is to get a good grade in the hardest class i've ever taken. it's super sweet. ahhh tuesday, it's a good day.

Monday, May 30, 2005


my brakes squeek in my car. it's a high pitched sorta thing. real faint with the windows up. doesn't exist when you have the radio on. I shoud probaby fix it... but i'm broke. that was kinda like a sidenote i guess. My life is comming to a halt. Everything is winding down. School is over as of thursday. Wednesday night was my last teaching night. joel, the new guy comes in on ... i think today. so the two things that have dominated my life recently are now over. I'm not really sure what to do with myself. I have much to struggle with and discover. Much to read and appreciate. People to be with and converse with. I'm still learning this art of conversation. my passion runs deep and when it cuts to my heart is when i get mself in trouble.
i was in the car, the squeeky brake car, with an old friend on sunday. She made a remark about how being a lesbian is "ewww sick!" I asked why she said that. She said cause homosexuality is a sin and it's sick. i got a bit defensive. She said "So what's the deal? are you into gays now?" i replied yeah. i respect the desision they've made. I desire to honor and accept them not as "sick" but as people. Yeah i'm "into" them if it means that i love them. I started preaching to her about how the mindset she has is why gay people dont feel welcome at church. I told her about the damage we've done to people who have made a desicison that's not something that the general christian community would choose. She said i was preaching to the choir but i'm not convinced the choir understands. I'm not even convinced that i fully understand. i dont even know where to start. so many thoughts that happened in the midst of our conversation that i would have to take a day to write out, so i wont. i'll just ask that for one day i would love blindly. That for one day you would challenge yourself to not see any color or prejudice or stereotype. I'm becoming more convinced that love has huge risks that people are scared of. My life is coming to a halt so i think i'll find a new job description. Maybe i'll just love people. yeah i like that

Wednesday, May 25, 2005


so no one has found me on here... which i think is hilarious. I talked to jodi about it... but i dont think she's looked for me or read anything i've written. The whole idea of this thing is to network right? who am i networking with if no one has found me. I think this is how i live my life nowadays... waiting for someone to find me. Never really putting myself out there and jumping into the uncomfortable... rejecting people but never really being rejected, cause i never take the risk. Maybe that's why communities are so hard to form... maybe i'm just waiting for rejection again. Rejection from my brothers cause i'm not good enough or i'm "too good". Rejection from friends cause i'm not really sure how to stand up for myslef, so instead i get trampled on. The best friends i have... well i've showed them the kindness that been shown.. rejection.
But then there's acceptance. Oh how good it feels to be accepted and loved. How good it feels to be important in someone's eyes, mind, heart. Just a simple friend. You know it... you know it when you read a super sweet letter from a friend, or see a simple smile on someone's face... or just know it. so mabe i'll tell someone about this secret journal i've been hiding. Maybe i need to be less scared of rejection and more willing to accept the pain and love the struggle. maybe i need to go study for my final. yay...

Monday, May 23, 2005

so i have finals this week. I really only have one i care about and one... well i just am not very concerned with. I should be, but i'm not. I dont know what it's on really.... i just know i HAVE to take it. I'm so overwhelmed with this whole school thing. i know i really should know all 27 different hormones your body produces and where they come from and what they do and what happens if you have too much of one of them.... i mean i'm sure it'll help me somewhere... i guess i'm just not sure where. The sucky thing is that i dont even really know this stuff. I'm kinda just jamming it in my brain so i can regurgitate it on thursday at 12 noon. And i guess knowing all about mitosis and meiosis and the difference and what happens for spermatogenesis to occour and how women ovulate and what prophase the oocyte is in during each day of the month is important and all... but geez. I think life will go on if i dont know every detail of this stuff.
I'm gonna be a nurse one day. but my mom is a nurse and she doesn't know all this stuff. right now it's just stuff to me. Before it was the wonders of God's magnificent creation.... i need to get back to that point cause that was less angry.
oh yeah and i have 711 points... a 89% that means i can only miss 11 points on my final final (to still get an A)... out of 200. yeah wish me good luck. Kinda freaking out here.

blog fear... kinda like stage fright when you wanna pee

this whole blogging thing makes me nervous. I wasn't super good in english class. actually aurora, one of my girls, corrects my english about five times a day. So now writing down thoughts in incomplete english just makes me sound illegitimate. does that even make sense? I never punctualize and i dont know how to spell. my thoughts aren't super deep and everything i'm thinking of saying has already been said, blogged about or typed before. so i'm embarrased. i think i'll get over it. It's just the initial reading of the blogs that scares me. maybe just the comparison game... Oh yeah and everytime i write anything, peter makes fun of me. oh well ...here i go. More honesty on an impersonal computer than face to face. how does that match up with scripture? yeah... wierd

Friday, May 20, 2005


i'm not very good at having conversations. i like to talk. I'm not good at hearing. I guess i should clarify. I'm passionate. Not about everything. But about a lot. So when i'm passionate i dont hear. i mean i have stuff to say. and it's important. But it should never be more important than what the other person has to say. Why do i act like it is then? Am i trained to be all about me and what i have to say? submissive, serving, honoring, loving. I think hearing shows people love. I haven't been very loving today.
So love someone.... and hear them.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

ahhh a brand new blog

this is a good place to start. xanga was kinda weak. so here i go. not many thoughts just yet. Bible study in a few hours. We're talking about why Jesus came to earth. Not why we think Jesus came to earth. but why jesus said he came to earth. to bring the kingdom on earth? to save people? to do his father's will? to keep people out of hell? to create a lifestyle worth repeating? yeah we'll talk about it and i'll let you know. i'm pretty sure it wasn't just to keep people out of hell... but why then are there people hanging out at corners yelling that that's why? very curious