woman

i had a really horrible beautiful amazing dissapointing conversation yesterday. i left very upset and never wanting to have a conversation of that sort again. i left inspired so that women never have to have that conversation again. i left knowing that without conversations like that, progress and passion and truth would never be discussed or found.

i'm not a man. i actually refer to myself as a girl... little girl most of the time. i've found beauty in that i'm not a man. Nothing against men, i've just wanted to be one for my whole life and am finding that god made me a woman to be one. sounds wierd i know... but really it's been good for me.

But now, more than before now, people are telling me that being a woman isn't enough. I really actually need to physically be different so that i can do the same spiritual things. I need to have different body parts, i need to have much more testosterone and i need to be able to be able to pee standing up if i'm ever gonna be accepted in the "church" I can't agree with that. I can't.

The conversation i had was... well probably not a conversation but more of an argument. I hate that. I think in ike my first post i talked aboutmy passion. i had a lot of passion in that whole conversation/argument/ discussion. I also had alot of saddness that came out in the form of slurred words, rapid speech and many many tears. ( i also threw my jamba juice in the trash sorta like when a five year old had a tantrum that's was super dumb) I ended up crying the whole way home too. Not like "bah i'm a baby" kind of crying but more like "i can't breathe so good" crying.

it's easy to have conversations with people who believe in you and believe with you. Believe with you meaning that they're kinda where you are in life. Maybe uncertain... maybe less "boxy"... maybe ready for change. i'm not sure. i do know i love and appreciate both people that believe with me and those that believe contrary to what i believe. Right now that means those that maybe dont believe" in" me. Slowly i'm understanding that the beauty of community comes from the diversity of beliefs and color and theology along with judgement and betrayal and love and goodness. As i struggle to learn how to live in community i know one thing. Grace and love must rule for it to happen and my passions sometimes need to be settled down as well as unleashed.

..holiness..

tonight i went to a "worship" night. i put it in quotes cause i'm attempting to dissasociate the word worship with music.. i think i've become highly critical of almost anything anyone says. this i've come to realize is good and bad. good, cause then i dont just eat what's given to me... the whole test and approve thing. Bad, cause then no one ever says everything i believe to be true.

the guy tonight first talked about the commandment of being holy. He took one verse from leviticus and the same one out of 1 peter about being holy cause i am holy and spoke on it for a while. At the end of the first point he said that we sacrifice what we think is good for something greater. what we think is good... sin or girlfriend or boyfriend or xanga... and switch it for something better...the life of jesus. yeah i dug this point. i think he illustrated it well and everone was super into it. teling me it's worth it to give my life to jesus and let him make something great out of it... count me in.

point two, the condition of the commandment. lets just jump to isaiah 7:9 and get a little phrase out of it. Know what you're standing for. i dont remember so much what this point was about... oh wait. you can't be half holy. you can't so the here god i have you a little bit right now but not all of me kinda thing. i think i disagree with that. i think our life is a journey... and it's all about baby steps. so this one was a hard one to sit through. good illustrations though...

point three, the consequences of the commandment. where jesus says take up your cross and follow after me. The part where people will hate you. the part where we'll be persecuted because of what you believe. I believe this. I believe that our beliefs will be looked at as dumb and ridiculous and unnecessary. but i thought point one was about letting jesus making my "good" life way better than before. so this is where i became confused.

i'm done. i feel like i'm bashing this guy and it's totally not even necessary. this is to show you how it can be bad if i just sit and critique everything that comes my way. wait he contradicted myself, wait i dont believe that. i guess i need to find a balance. balance is a word that's getting used more and more in my vocabulary.

so... there's no point here anymore really. one day i'll have a deep thought for you all to chew on but for now, here's the random stuff you can chew on.

oh i had a couple of super great conversations tonight. with someone i told harsh realties to, to someone dealing with some harsh realities, and with my grandma. She was in the hopspital for a couple nights. Her heart is enlarged and beating funny. you can pray for her... i love her lots. night everyone.

pants

it's been amazing to me how much movies effect me. I saw Hotel Rwanda and i didn't want to be american anymore. I saw crash and i wanted paint everyone the same color so hate would be less severe. I saw mean girls and i wanted to go and make peace in every high school reminding girls that beauty is more about your insides than your outsides. I've watched Blue Planet (documentary on ocean life) and i wanna move to the carribean and scuba dive every day of my life. Recently... well, earlier today... i watched Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. This movie made me want to do a couple things.
1. buy a pair of pants that fit me well. It seems like an impossible task in my world. even with the endless variety of jean selection, i can't seem to find pants that will fit me all day long. By the end of the day, they get stretched out and ends up looking like they're carring a load of poop. I dont like it. The pair of pants in the movie fit four girls... and it fit them perfectly. I just am asking to find a pair that fit one girl kinda good. it it really too much to ask?
2. it makes me wanna run away. Now this incling has been deep in my bones for years now. I go plenty of places during the summer. even this summer i'm traveling a bunch, but it's not the same. i'm not sure what it is. i know it's a movie so it will nver be the same. but one girl is in greece. Do you know how beautiful it is in greece? oh man. and another girl is in mexico. not TJ mexico but beautiful by the beach mexico. both of the places seem so magical. no hate. no pain. perfect weather. beautiful people (outside). newly found summer love. adventures with very little risk. so safe. so "ideal" but so not real.

i guess i want what can never be. i dont want it forever. i just want it for a little while. can you imagine a place with no sadness. more love and understanding than hate and anger. every problem solved in the matter of two hours. lots of truth covered by lots of editing. i have mixed feelings now that i wrote it all out. i still want the pants... but i also love the struggle of life. maybe i just need to take my struggles to a different country... yeah that would be perfect. i think i'm gonna go watch harry potter now. i know that's all really fake so maybe i wont want to do anything after it.

shower

it's summer... i have less to do. today is catch up day. I went to breakfast with my brother and mom.. going to see sisterhood of the traveling pants in 30 minutes... probably will do some shopping with the mom. i have six girls i want to try and call today. i haven't hung out with a friend that moved home from down south... i think we planned on today being that day. i just did some laundry. i have four other loads to do. i need to take mean girls back to blockbuster. i have to make sure we have enough counselors for camp. ... i need to go return a book and movie to a friend.
good thing i dont have much to do on my day off... good thing i have days like this in my life, or else i'd never catch up on anything. i also took a shower today... i haven't taken one since friday... i feel much better now thank you. ha. sorry it's such a boring post. this is my life.

influence

tonight i realized i have influence. Not cause i saw it... i see it sometimes and i realize it then but that didn't happen tonight. Not cause i read in the bible how paul tells people to do like he does... follow his example who follows christ' example and that i should have people following me as i follow christ's example. Not because i'm a high school leader and i realize that my desire is that my life will influence people and maybe, just maybe it does. No, i realize i have influence because someone told me. someone who i love and admire told me she respects me and that i have influenced her life. Not only that but "Christina do you know how many girls look up to you?" i said maybe three. she shook her head.

i'm not very confident about myself or any of my abilities or talents. I know i'm able to do good things but never good enough. i know that i'm gifted only by the grace of god. I know that i 'm lacking in ability to accept a compliment. i do the " ahhh ya know whatever" thing. I know that god created us to do great things... myself included.

i had a good conversation with a friend a few months ago. He was wondering how anyone ever lives up to the standards that people place on you. i think i first said i dont know cause i didn't. I didn't know cause i've never felt like i've been in a position to be of any type of large influence or even in a position where someone's standards would exceed my abilities. Later i think i might have said something about just being you. Just be.

so tonight i'm troubled. I dont think i'll sleep so great tonight. Just be. I mean it should be simple right? am i simplifying too much? Do i live for people or for god? am i all things to all people? Just be. i dont think it's so simple.